Bakaito's MARVELOUS Plan
by peaches2217
Summary: Upon hearing Meiko saying that she just can't take him seriously, a heartbroken Kaito devises a plan to make her see just what a "normal, mature" man he can be. Be careful what you wish for: You just might get it. -Mild language, sexual references-
1. That's Not a Good Idea

**KaiMei fluffiness. Heck. Freaking. Yes.**

**_Vocaloid_ doesn't belong to me, yadayadayada, kirakirakira, ON TO THE ONESHOT!**

* * *

Suddenly, his whole world came crashing down on his head.

It was as if everything he ever knew and loved about his semi-normal, almost-human life had come to an abrupt end, throwing the universe itself out of its natural orbit, making the_ kami _spiral into insanity, making him question the very meaning of life itself.

The cause of this sudden catastrophe?

He had heard his beloved utter this sentence:

"Kaito's just a little kid, I swear. I can hardly even take him seriously."

* * *

_Can't take me seriously? **Can't take me seriously? **B-but... Why? Haven't I done enough for her to take me seriously? I mean, we've been together since the first moment of our creation, haven't we? What about when I cried when the scientists took her away from me to release her into the human world? What about when I made my first task in the human world to find her? And when I _did _find her, I hugged her and kissed her and she kissed me back... Doesn't she remember that? Or the first time I told her that I love her? Or the first time I saw her cry, and I was there all night, holding her until she felt better? Or the first time we made love? Or the second time? Or the eighth time? Or this morning? Doesn't she remember _any_ of that? Or... Or..._

Kaito let out a cry of distress, collapsing onto his bed and burying his head into his pillow. _She can't take me seriously!_

Meiko – his sweet, sweet Mei-chan – thought that he was just a little kid.

Which, okay, _may _have been true to some extent – after all, most twenty-year-old men, human or android, couldn't name all of the flavors of ice cream that _Haagen-Dazs _offered in order of their release, nor did most consider this a normal talent – and he _did _tend to be a bit on the slow side (dull-witted, if you will). But he had never really viewed himself as being childish. A kid at heart? Yes. Childish? Well, apparently, that was how _some people _viewed him.

At first, he was upset with himself – _Where have I gone wrong? _– and then he was upset with Meiko – _If she can't take me seriously, then why not tell me what I'm doing wrong rather than wait until I find out the hard way? _– but then, he became even more upset with Len – _**Che-tsu! **I still owe him _¥_2,000! _– and then his anger was redirected at himself once again.

Moaning in agony, Kaito forced his lead-filled body to roll itself out of bed (hitting his head on the edge of the nightstand on his way down, the impact making the lamp fall off and hit him as well) and (after more agonized moaning) pulled himself up to observe his devilishly handsome features in the mirror, which, at the moment, weren't quite so handsome as they usually were.

_Oh, Mei-chan... What's wrong with me? What don't you like?_

At the moment, it appeared, there was quite a bit _not _ to like; his face and once-white t-shirt were stained with the remains of a carton of Haagen-Dazs mint chocolate chip ice cream that he had binged on in attempt to soothe his pain; his favorite blue scarf, wrapped securely around his neck, showed signs of not seeing a load of detergent in several days; his eyes, usually a wonderful cobalt blue, were red and puffy from tears that had managed to make his face go numb; and now there was blood streaming from the large wound on his forehead from his unfortunate fall.

_Oh, for the love of Kishijoten-!_

There wasn't much more to do right now than sulk some more, it seemed.

_"I can hardly even take him seriously."_

_"I can hardly even take him seriously."_

_"Can't take him seriously..."_

But in a way, Kaito was... Almost grateful to hear this line coming out of his lover's cherry-red lips. Past the point of being selfish... Well... Maybe it was good that now, he knew that the most beautiful creation on Earth wasn't satisfied with him. He wasn't the most... Intelligent man alive, by no means, and he was used to being reminded of that. But the humiliation of going about, thinking that Meiko was happy with him, thinking that everything was perfect between them...

_Of course not. What was I thinking...? No way, how could she ever be satisfied with a man like me...? She-she's beautiful, wonderful, lively-spirited, and, okay, maybe she's an alcoholic past the point of repair, but... Still, she can have any man she wants, and... She's stuck with me. Bakaito, the first and only man she's ever been with._

And that was when it hit him. And it hit harder than any cement-filled semi-truck could ever hope to hit.

_That's it! That's what it is! The only reason that she's still with me is because she feels sorry for me!_

At long last, all of the pieces were starting to come together. Kaito jumped, a sudden renewal of energy washing through him as he paced around his room, considering the scenario in his head.

_Of course! She really _ was _in love with me when we were first created. And when we were together in the human world, before Miku and Rin and Len and the others came along- yes, she still loved me. Then she began to see her options. She saw that I didn't come near to the strength or intelligence or good looks of other men that are abundant here in the human world, heck, not even that! We live in the most populated city in the world! Hot guys must be abundant here! So she probably considered dumping me in pursuit of someone better, someone that_ doesn't_ have an obsession with ice cream and _ doesn't _moan even more in bed than she does and _ isn't _such a damn little kid._

_But no, Mei-chan might not love me anymore, but she still cares about me. She knows that if she leaves me, it's going to rip my heart into shreds, and besides, we've been through so much together! So instead of taking that risk- because it pains her to see me in pain almost as much as it hurts me when she's hurt- she decided to suffer through it. Suck it up, stay with the guy who you've known since the first moment of your creation. Yeah, that's it. But now she's to the point where she can't stand me anymore because with each passing moment, I'm falling deeper and deeper in love and she's starting to realize now that if she doesn't break things off quickly, eventually I'm going to ask her to marry me - which I WAS planning on doing before, well... - and then either she makes things worse than if she had just broken up with me at the beginning or spend the rest of her life in agony!_

By the time he woke up, judging by the position in which he was sprawled across the floor and how intensely his head throbbed, Kaito presumed that he had passed out (which made sense- he had never thought so hard in such a short amount of time in his entire life), but oh, the pain was so worth it, now that everything made sense. Now he knew why Meiko wasn't happy, and now he could do something about it!

But this rush of joyous glee all but fled when that one dreadful thought entered his mind:

_But why does she think I'm childish?_

It only took another ten minutes of analyzing before he understood that much. It brought him back to his original point- he was a grown man who knew too much about ice cream and was obsessed with his scarf. Of course, there were probably many, many more reasons, but to heck with it all: For now, he understood what was wrong with him, why his adorable Mei-chan-nee was unhappy, and what he could do about it.

And before he could even stop to reconsider where he was going with this, his mind was forming a plan.

* * *

Kaito couldn't help but smile proudly as he finished his explanation to the four Vocaloids sitting before him, lifting his chin a little bit higher and nodding as he covered the last details of his plan to them. It didn't really bother him that they all shared expressions of bewilderment, no, all that concerned him was how great the plan sounded out loud and that he had though all of it up in under twelve hours.

"So, what do you guys think?"

Usually, whenever Kaito had a plan and wanted to share it with someone, these four were the ones he called for:

Gakupo, being his best friend and an honest man, would give his input and still support Kaito, whether or not he really liked the plans:

Miku, his sweet little _imouto_ , would not only support him, but readily agree with his plans and their brilliance:

Rin, her feisty, rebellious spirit always leading her to speak her mind, would quickly tell Kaito what she though without worrying about hurting his feelings (and sometimes trying to find even harsher ways to say things just for the sake of hurting him even more):

And Len, every bit as honest as Rin, but the much more timid of the two, was always helpful to have to calm Rin and remind her not to be as mean as she usually was (since Len was, traditionally, the only person Rin would even consider taking orders from).

Of course, as usual, Rin was the first one to speak.

"Okay, first of all... Why the hell were you eavesdropping on her? I mean, if you knew that she and Luka were talking, and you know that when they're talking in a room with the door locked, then their conversations are typically about how you and Gakupo perform in bed, then why listen in? Isn't that kinda, oh, I don't know, _stalkerish?_ "

"W-what Rin's trying to say is," Len butted in, quickly putting a hand on his sister's shoulder, "you kind of had it coming to begin with. I mean, if you hadn't been eavesdropping in the first place-"

"Then I wouldn't know that Mei-chan wasn't happy, and chances are I would've done something to absolutely screw me over in the end!" Kaito interjected, plopping himself down onto the table across from where his friends were seated, shaking his head and hands quickly. "That's beside the point!"

"Well, if you want my opinion," Gakupo said, casting a sideways glare at Rin for making yet another reference to his and Luka's sex life (and knowing so much about it despite her young age), "I think you're overreacting."

Kaito had prepared himself for many things that his friends might tell him in response to his plan. That he was overreacting... That wasn't one of them that he had been prepared to hear.

"Yeah, exactly what I was thinking. Overreacting." Rin folded her arms over her small chest, crossing one leg over the other and leaning back on the couch, rolling her eyes. "Big time."

Gakupo stood, beckoning for Kaito to come closer. "It's understandable changing one or two things if you really think she isn't happy with you, but changing all of _this_ ..." He put his hand on his friend's shoulder and gestured to his entire body as he spoke the last word. "... I have to agree with the twins on this one. You're taking this too far."

Though he tried to ignore the feeling, Kaito felt his spirit sink. This plan... What was perhaps the greatest plan he had ever concocted in less than half a day... His friends thought it sucked. And he had worked so hard on it...!

"Actually, I don't think it's such a bad idea."

Despite himself, as everyone's heads whipped around to stare at the teal-headed girl that had just spoken, a wave of relief washed over Kaito. _Finally, _**someone**_ agrees with me!_

"I mean," Miku started out, twirling a strand of her inhumanely long hair and staring at her skirt, "Rin-chan, Len-kun and Gakupo-san _do _ have a point. You're looking a bit too hard into some of this." Now she stood up from the sofa, placing her hands on Kaito's shoulders as she reached him and smiling up at him. "_Onii-chan_ , you don't have to change _everything_ just because you don't think Mei-chan likes everything about you. The truth is, there will always be _something_ that someone won't like about someone else, if that makes any sense."

The blue-haired man nodded absentmindedly, more as an encouragement for her to continue than as an actual agreement.

"But I think that it's sweet that you're willing to completely change yourself for her. Unnecessary, yes, but still very cute~!"

Kaito could hear Rin groan in annoyance as Miku let out one of those high-pitched giggles that were practically copyrighted under her name.

"If you want to make some changes, I'll be behind you the whole time for support. But you have to keep in mind, _onii-chan_ , this won't just affect you and Mei-chan."

"Yeah," Len agreed as he and Rin took to either side of Miku, their icy blue stare penetrating Kaito's skin. "You'd look just plain weird with normal-colored hair."

"And to go an entire day without hearing you rant on about ice cream..." Rin shook her head, her short blonde hair swishing at the back of her neck. "___Iie_ . It's just too much, Bakaito."

At first, all of this objection to the full extent of his plan made Kaito feel quite special; his family loved him and didn't want him to change! But... How could he _not _ change everything? Maybe he was good enough as he was for his family, but for Meiko...

"But..." Kaito gulped, pulling Miku off of him and sitting back down on the sofa. "I don't know exactly what she doesn't like about me... And I don't want to make any more stupid assumptions..."

Gakupo laughed, punching the younger man's forearm playfully. "You idiot, you take us for granted too much! Before you go off and dump out the old Kaito that we all know, love, and abuse, think about who your best friend's girlfriend's best friend is." He sat and continued on, folding his hands behind his head and staring off at the wall ahead of him: "It's sort of like back when I first confessed my feelings to Luka, but I was too scared to see her reaction, so for the next, like, two days, you and Mei-chan had to send messages back and forth between us. Remember that? This won't be much different. I'll explain the situation to Luka, have her talk to Meiko-"

"No, no, that would be too obvious!" Rin flicked the tip of Gakupo's nose, jumping up onto his shoulders (despite his objections, which, of course, went unnoticed by the teenager). "Leave it up to the Kagamine twins! We're the best ninja Japan has seen since the Edo period!" As if to emphasize her point, she and Len simultaneously struck some kind of _007-esque_ pose.

All of the activity in the room was starting to make Kaito feel rather dizzy. There was just too much at stake for him to _not _ change every little thing that Meiko might not like (maybe even his name- no, he didn't really want a huge, dramatic name change, but something a little more romantic and normal than "Mysterious Thief").

Upon expressing the previous thought, Gakupo coughed in surprise, his lavender eyes widening. "Wait... Even your name? Now, that's _beyond_ taking it too far. That's just..." Everyone grew quiet and watched as he wringed his hands together, trying and evidently failing to find the right words to express his shock, finally settling for throwing his hands in the air and shooting a puzzled "Why?" at Kaito.

"It's not normal." was the only response that Kaito could come up with.

"Whoa!" Rin jumped off of Gakupo's shoulders (making the latter nearly fall off of the couch at the sudden loss of weight), moving to Kaito's lap. "Don't tell me that's what this whole thing is about! Being 'normal'?"

Kaito nodded.

The room suddenly became almost too still for him to handle.

"Kaito, Kaito, Kaito-" Miku chuckled, swinging her shoulders back in forth in a giddy sort of way. "With you being the closest to her, I figured you of all people would realize what she's into. And whatever else I might not know, I can tell you this much-"

"'Normal' really isn't Mei-chan's thing," Len finished, pulling Rin off of Kaito's lap. "What does 'normal' have to do with not being childish? And isn't that what you said she said? That you're too childish?"

All at once, everyone began flooding the room with meaningless words:

"You're overreacting! Just like we said!"

"You're missing the main point!"

"Just reconsider for a minute or two!"

And just as soon, the the four other Vocaloids were silenced when Kaito screamed at the top of his lungs and threw himself onto the floor.

"I have a completely different definition of 'normal', you guys! I'm just a stupid little kid! To me, _that's _ normal! _I don't wanna be a little kid! I want Mei-chan to realize that I'm an adult! And that she can take me seriously! And-_ "

"_KAITO! _ Calm down!" Gakupo and Miku made quick work of getting him back up onto the couch and making him take deep breaths while Rin and Len just stared on in bewilderment, wondering if this really happened as often as they made it seem.

By the time he was calm enough to speak clearly again, the others could see that at this point, there was really no changing his mind. He was going through with the plan. And the most they could do was help out.

* * *

At first, she was a little bit skeptical. After all, "fancy" wasn't really Kaito's thing. In fact, she found herself wondering if Kaito had even written the message himself or not. But no, the more she read over it, the more she confirmed to herself that it was, indeed, her boyfriend's messy penmanship that had conducted this letter. But something about it just didn't seem right...

_Meiko,_

_It's been a while since we've been on a date, don't you think? I mean, a ____real __date. Get__ into your best dress and meet me outside in the garden at 7:00 tonight. I have a surprise for you._

_- Kaito _

Normally, this wouldn't have really concerned Meiko so much. While she was the farthest thing from a girly-girl, she was always ecstatic when Kaito actually took her on a more _normal_ date (even though the poor man was horrible at being "normal" and said dates usually ended in catastrophe). But... Maybe that was what made him so damn _cute_. How he always tried his hardest to please her, even when he knew that-

It struck then. The odd thing about the note.

Kaito was horrible at _kanji_ (for the sake of understanding just how bad, let's compare his _kanji_ writing to a stereotypical American on a diet) and, for this reason, usually only wrote in _hiragana _and _katakana_. The odd thing about this letter? Yes, that was just it- there was _kanji _in it. All of the right _kanji _in all of the right places.

Ever since the twins had snuck a female enhancement pill into her _sake _and locked her and Kaito in the bathroom (she hadn't even known those existed prior to the prank...), she had built a wall of extreme caution that went up every time something with the smallest bit of suspicion arose. This was one of those moments; and while Kaito using _kanji _wasn't really a matter of having sex so many times in the same day that she couldn't walk straight for the next week, it still seemed to her a matter which might end up having consequences... For who? Her? Kaito?

_Agh! Cut it out. You're thinking too much again. Okay, let's just take a step back: Kaito sent me a note that had _kanji _in it. Big deal. Maybe he's taking lessons from Gakupo and wanted to practice some on me to see if I could read them. He wants me to wear a nice dress. So? Probably he's just gonna take me somewhere nice for a change. Hell, if they have beer, what's there to worry about? Nothing? Alright then. Let's do this._

What Meiko _wasn't _expecting was to find what she found sitting on one of the benches in the large garden in front of the Vocaloid house at 7:02 PM.

It had Kaito's soft pink cheeks and round nose, it _sounded_ like Kaito, it even _tasted_ like Kaito, she learned when he leaned in to kiss her.

But this thing... This thing that stood up straight, that had neatly groomed black hair and sparkling brown eyes, that proudly wore a clean black suit with a sharp red tie... This thing wasn't Kaito.

Not. Even. Close.

"Meiko." He smiled, taking her hand, apparently oblivious to the expression of shock on her face. "What kept you, dear? You're two minutes and eighteen seconds late."

* * *

**I MUST HURRY. I AM AT SCHOOL AND MY BRONIES AND PEGASISTERS NEED ME. *flies off***

**Part 2 coming as soon as I get internet back at my house! Reviews appreciated!**


	2. A Stupid Notice from Peaches

**Hello, ladies and gentlefish!  
**

**First of all, I'd like to say a HUUUUUGE thank you to everyone who's reviewed so far on this silly little work of mine. ENFORCED VIRTUAL HUG. *hugs computer screen*  
**

**Second, I wanna say a quick apology to those following this for not updating for so long (however long it's been, I've lost track of time). No, I haven't forgotten about it, but school just recently let out and I've had ACT Prep all week last week (and all week this week, too... :P) and my mom and stepdad are really busy so I'm always having to look out for my sister (who now knows how to open the gate and crawl up the stairs, AND how to open door handles, AND where I hide all of my art supplies... Ah, 1-year-olds) and my insane grandma on my mom's side had a heart attack on Saturday (don't worry, she's alive, well, and rambling on about her sex life) I can't find my meds so it's been over a week since I last took them so I'm always dizzy and everything I'm typing right now is a blur and *head explodes*  
**

**Third, I'd like to apologize for that massive, over-dramatic run-on sentence.  
**

**Fourth, I wanna say that for those of you that might actually still be looking forward to part two, thank you SO much for being patient! My stepdad's off this week, so I might have more time to work on the update in the evenings. I'll make a promise for you: for those of you still waiting to see Meiko's full reaction to whatever the heck Kaito did to himself, you won't have to wait farther than Saturday evening (Central time).  
**

**Fifth, I really, REALLY need my meds... *curls up in a corner and cries*  
**

**WITH ALL OF THIS OUT OF THE WAY.  
**

**Thank you all again so much for your patience! And I'll see you all again on Saturday!  
**

**~Peaches  
**


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